Navigating relationships can be one of the most confusing and consuming endeavours a single girl sets out on. Seven months out of my seven year relationship and not only do I still not know the rules of the game, I’m still stumbling on the playing field. Shaky as I hold my bat and weak in my stance, I’m striking more than hitting and a homerun is unimaginable as I touch first base in slow motion.
Whilst I’m still getting acquainted with the single domain, recently I got to thinking about the things that single girls will settle for to relieve their loneliness. I’m a 23-year-old girl, still learning how to be alone, be myself and establish my own place in the world and I’m aware I’ve still got years to figure all that out. So when did women in their 20s with years ahead of them start settling for second best and clutching at straws?
I think the issue is we get ourselves so tied up in the attention of boys and the excitement of new flings and romances, we forget to live our own lives. We forget to fill in our own time with our own things and then we’re lonely when we’re by ourselves. Understandably when you’ve been in a relationship for a significant amount of time and you’re so used to having someone living with you and being by your side, all of a sudden when that person isn’t there anymore, and no-one is there to fill the gap, you start to feel lonely. But when did we start convincing ourselves and convincing men that it’s ok to be treated like dirt if it makes you feel less lonely?
Sometimes when we feel lonely we just take what we can get to fill the void. Whether that be messaging someone you don’t really like that much just to feel some kind of attention, sleeping with someone to validate your position as a hot, young, single girl or putting yourself in a ‘relationship’ with someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit just to feel like you’ve got someone.
My friend Cate* had been seeing this guy for the past 9 months. He was dynamite in bed, cocky & confident, blond, tanned and built, little too shiny for my liking but none-the-less, I saw the appeal. However, he was infact a complete asshole but Cat kept finding ways to justify his behaviour. Although they had an exclusive arrangement, the term ‘seeing each other’ was too strong for him. He refused to make any kind of miniscule commitment to her that was more than ‘see you at my place in 10?’ and when she’d go to his house on a Saturday night after a night out with the girls, on Sunday morning not only would he not drive her home, he’d make her take a cab back to her house to get changed and then meet him in town for dim sum!
Now I didn’t like him from the start but I tried because Cate liked him and she’s my best friend so that means something to me. But my efforts stopped when I tried to make conversation with him back in July and he said ‘You know what, I can hear you speaking but I just don’t give a fuck!’ – possibly the worst thing anyone had ever said to me, at the worst time anyone could ever say it to me. After that and after watching her self-esteem drop lower than my knee caps (and those who know me know that’s low) I was on the ‘get-rid-of-him’ bandwagon for about 5 months!
She finally broke it off with him last night – FINALLY! And I think it’s over for real this time which I couldn’t be happier about. But I still couldn’t help but wonder; why are we clutching at straws? All Cate truly wants is someone who is going to treat her with respect, consideration and kindness. Now, you know what, I really don’t think that’s asking too much! Those are the basic foundations of any relationship – friendly or romantic. So when did we start settling for less? And when will we realise it’s not ok to settle for someone who doesn’t offer those basic requirements? Surely no man can be too hot or too good in bed to outweigh basic consideration and respect. Too often we say ‘well the sex is great so until something better comes along, I’d be silly to say no’ – you know what, something better has come along: YOU!
We seem to be doing this to ourselves; putting ourselves in these positions to try and make ourselves feel better (via a man’s attention) and then we find that we’re even more unhappy because what we’ve got is really not what we wanted or needed. I recently slept with a guy I barely new, who lived in QLD, who I knew I was never going to see again. I did it because he was hot as hell and because I wanted something to make me feel better about the fact that my ex-boyfriend, with whom I still share a significant connection, has a new girlfriend with perfect legs. But it didn’t make me feel better, it made me feel even more alone and pathetic that that’s what I thought I needed to validate my existence. I don’t regret it though, after all he was hot as hell and he was sweet, and if I hadn’t slept with him I would never have had the realisation that it’s not going to be a man that makes me feel better, it’s going to be me.
As a girl with only a fraction of a clue and experience in the single world, with only a fraction of a clue about who she really is and what she really wants, I expect to stumble. I expect to make mistakes, to learn new things and to sometimes do things I’ll regret later. But I’ve realised that for too long I’ve willingly lived my life around someone else and I’ve planned my time around someone else, but a spark has been ignited within me in the last few months. No more clutching at straws; I’m ready to start living my life for me, to fill my time up with myself and my plans and if a guy comes along, well he will fit wherever he fits. I’ll try to get Cate on board – wish us luck – we single girls need it! x
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